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Dealing with infertility and its treatment is challenging.  With it comes choices.  That’s the good thing.

And the hard thing. It means that you are responsible for making choices.

I know that these choices are forced choices. You feel forced into doing things you never thought you would have to do. Or things that you don’t want to do.

If things were working reproductively, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

It’s not that you don’t have choices.  You do.

It’s that you don’t like the choices you have.

You don’t have a choice about your fertility and its challenges.  You DO have a choice about what to do about it.

When you don’t have a choice, make a choice.

There will not be a perfect, right choice.  But there will be one or more choices you can live with.  Here are 5 choices you DO have about infertility.

Choosing not to freak out. It helps to keep your wits about you.
When faced with an infertility diagnosis, people go through a variety of emotions:  shock; disbelief; denial; embarrassment; fear; sadness; anger; panic; failure; and shame, among many more.  The same thing can happen when something you try doesn’t work.  You absolutely have the right to feel whatever you feel whenever you feel it.   That makes you NORMAL.  Don’t let anyone tell you to buck up or be grateful for what you have. That “advice” isn’t empathy.  What is im­portant is to keep your thinking cap on, however you can, whenever you can.  You might be scared or pissed off at yourself, your partner, God, or the world.  Use your head to figure out what to do about it.  Don’t just get mad at infertility—get even with it.  Figure out a plan you can live with.

Treating the fertility problem. Or not.
To treat or not to treat.  This is the question. Whether ’tis Nobler in the mind to suffer…  You get my point.  There are good fertility clinics and acupuncturists out there. Lots of them.  You can try some dietary changes and see if they can “reset” your fertility.  You can choose to treat the problem now. Or you can wait. Or not treat it at all.  Figure out how much time you have to consider your options.  Consult with the right doctor to get the data you need.  Talk and maybe negotiate with your partner.  Most important, check in with yourself about what plan makes sense and feels right to you. Make a choice.  Move forward.

Choosing the level of treatment.  Not everyone jumps straight to IVF.
Sometimes the problem you are struggling with can be treated with low-tech options, like ovulation predictor kits or oral medication. Because you may have insurance coverage for inseminations and medication, it might make sense to give that intermediate step a try for a short while.  But for some problems, like a fallopian tube blockage or poor sperm quality or no sperm at all, I’m sorry to say it but you will need a higher level of treatment.  Some people like to go step-wise with their treatment, adding on treatments as needed.  Pacing yourself is fine.  Others want to get this journey over with.  Which one are you?  Be realistic.  Make a short-term and a longer-term plan.  Be strategic.

Picking the time to do treatment. Just don’t wait too long.
Some of you have been trying to conceive for longer than you ever thought possible.  Hope, finances, and some level of denial can make people wait even longer to get started on treatment.  I have been with so many people who wish they could have started treatment sooner.  You get to pick the timing of when you start treatment with one caveat: If you are nearing 40, don’t wait.  Go.  Run to the fertility clinic, NOT your OB/GYN. OB/GYN’s are awesome at pregnancies and delivering babies, not fertility challenges.  You also get to pick the timing of when you take a break or trying something different.  I really don’t want you to have heartbreaking regret about wasting precious time.

Choosing to be open to different options. Your partner needs to do that.
One of the challenges of life is that choices can be limited.  Again, you may not like your choices.  Not at all.  Not one bit. If you are absolutely closed to adoption or donor sperm, that is your right BUT you may be limiting your partner’s opportunities, too.  Think about fairness.  She or he may grow some mighty resentments toward you if you won’t even explore possible choices.   It has been a certainty in my practice that when people take the time to learn more about adoption, IVF, donor eggs, or donor sperm, and challenge their negative assumptions, they become more open to the possibilities of building a family in a different way.   Data and facts are always better than assumptions!

These are 5 choices you DO have about infertility.  What’s most important is to make a choice.  Get unstuck.  Something can work.  Something different can work.  Life moves forward.  You can move forward, too.