When There Aren’t Words for the Grief of Pregnancy Loss (But People Keep Talking Anyway)

I am often struck dumb by the things that people say to grieving parents after a pregnancy loss. Sometimes people want to fix it for the parent who is suffering, offering something like, “You can always have another child.” As 1 in 8 couples struggles with infertility, I know that that promise is often left unfulfilled. Plus, they don’t want the replacement baby, they want the one who has died. Other times people offer religious comments like “It’s God’s will” or “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” I have seen devout people go into orbit about what God did or didn’t do with their babies. I know that after a pregnancy loss, people aren’t sure at all where God is or where God went. Another beauty is “Well, you didn’t actually meet the baby!” When a woman has felt the movement of a baby during a wanted pregnancy, she has met the baby 24 hours a day as she has tried to bring her child into the world safely. She is traumatized by every moment of loss, physically and emotionally. While men often find pregnancy abstract, most are deeply invested in their babies. They also suffer in a pregnancy loss.

One of my beautiful clients shared this video with me about what NOT to say after a pregnancy loss. It’s “Out-Grieve Me”  It’s a doozy. Your comments are always welcome.

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